You'll notice that there are no graphics on this site. Just hundreds of funny jokes arranged in no particular order. That's to make it fast -even for the slow computers out there.
There are also no popups, spyware or viruses.
The reason you are here is to LAUGH.
So go ahead .... just dive in anywhere and laugh your head off.
Lets begin ...
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Sh*t!!
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
A: You don't they're born that way!
Q: What do blondes do they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants!
Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!
Q : How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A : There is white-out all over the computer screen!
Q : What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A : When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?
A: They don't know the route!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: T*ts go in front!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn!!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's!
Q : What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A : A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde.... she's 18!
Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A WIND TUNNEL! Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
Q : how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A : she got cold and turned off the fan.
Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A : Nothing, they've never met!
Q. How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?
A. there's lipstick on all the cucumbers.
Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.
Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.
Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror
Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you smack the blonde she blonde she keeps on sucking!
Q.How does a blonde turn on a light after have sex?
A.She opens a car door.
Q.Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A.They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.
Q.What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear?
A.Thanks for the refill. There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird the blonde looked up and asked, "where??".
Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional
she remembers the Alamo she knew Ronald McDonald when he was in clown school scientists claim she's the missing link she lived at the Gettysburg address her birthday expired she has an autographed copy of the bible when I told her to act her age, she dropped dead she remembers turning tricks for a nickel she's in Jesus's yearbook! she swam in the Dead Sea when it was still alive.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely. Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash). Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: It was a bill for $100 for a consultation!
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: God, how long is a million years to you? God answered: A million years is like a minute. Then the man asked: God, how much is a million dollars to you? And God replied: A million dollars is like a penny. Finally, the man asked: God, could you give me a penny? And God said, "In a minute.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Things to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fastemail@example.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to firstname.lastname@example.org
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "email@example.com"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
The mind of a six year old is wonderful !! First Grade..... true
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "'Holy
Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.
15. Heeler's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.
17. Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
18. Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question
"Why aren't you married yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
41 Questions That Make You Think
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller
6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're
41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or
380 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
For entertainment purposes,.... mostly.
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as Kleenex.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Buy Lays potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."
102. Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
103. Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
104. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a 'please don't walk on the grass' sign.
105. Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
106. Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice.
107. Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
108. Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
109. Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your roommate was smoking.
110. Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
111. Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.
112. Wear ammonia as a cologne.
113. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
114. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
115. Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations.
Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.
116. Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.
117. Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
118. Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
119. Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you.
120. Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
121. Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
122. Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers.
123. Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.
124. Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout "animal killer".
125. Get a friend to leave a message on the phone with your roommate for you saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
126. Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
127. Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
128. Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
129. Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and switch all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the term that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is supposed to be really hard. Wish him/her luck.
130. Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a cardboard sword.
131. Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
132. Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
133. Learn to play an accordion.
134. Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. This is very annoying.
135. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
136. Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.
137. Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.
138. Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them. Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them again.
139. Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.
140. Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
141. Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.
142. Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause.
143. Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
144. Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
145. When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
146. Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
147. Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda tastes awful.
148. Order five anchovy pizzas for your roommate. When the deliverer arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is.
149. Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing anymore.
150. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
151. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
152. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
153. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
154. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
155. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
156. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
157. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
158. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
159. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
160. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
161. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
162. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
163. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
164. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
165. Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
166. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
167. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
168. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
169. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."
170. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
171. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
172. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
173. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
174. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
175. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
176. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
177. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
178. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
179. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
180. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
181. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
182. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
183. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
184. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He [/She] just didn't belong."
185. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
186. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
187. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
188. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
189. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
190. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
191. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
192. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
193. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
194. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
195. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
196. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
197. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"
198. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
199. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
200. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
201. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
202. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
203. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
204. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
205. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
206. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
207. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
208. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
209. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
210. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
211. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
212. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
213. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
214. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
215. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
216. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
217. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
218. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
219. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
220. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
221. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
222. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
223. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
224. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
225. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
226. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
227. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
228. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
229. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
230. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
231. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
232. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
233. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
234. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
235. Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o'lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
236. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
237. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
238. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
239. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
240. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
241. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
242. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
243. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
244. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
245. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
246. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
247. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
248. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
249. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
250. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before s/he goes to class.
251. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
252. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
253. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
254. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
255. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
256. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
257. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
258. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.
259. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
260. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
261. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
262. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
263. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
264. Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
265. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
266. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
267. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
268. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
269. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
270. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"
271. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
272. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
273. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that s/he looked like "the enemy."
274. Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
275. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
276. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
277. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
278. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
279. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
280. Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make LOUD chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
281. Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book.
282. Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"
283. Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
284. Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
285. Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
286. Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
287. Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm every morning.
288. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
289. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
290. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
291. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
292. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
293. Start a brothel.
294. Constantly slip and fall-on your carpet.
295. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure s/he follows it.
296. Invite the Dean to sleep over.
297. Invite the school President to sleep over.
298. Invite your roommate to sleep over.
299. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
300. Walk into walls.
301. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
302. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
303. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
304. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
305. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he comes out.
306. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
307. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
308. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
309. Wear a silly hat.
310. Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
311. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
312. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
313. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.
314. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
315. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
316. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
317. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
318. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
319. Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, "I bought it for the articles."
320. Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, "Damn diarrhea."
321. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
322. Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
323. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
324. Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.
325. Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute.
326. Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?"). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about.
327. Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
328. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
329. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array.
330. Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away.
331. Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
332. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
333. Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her clothes.
334. Hide all your roommate's stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
335. Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because your pet dung beetles are hungry.
336. Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
337. Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
338. If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
339. Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!"
340. Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.
341. Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
342. Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket. 343. Groom yourself like a cat.
344. Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
345. Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
346. Say everything in Pig Latin.
347. Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
348. Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
349. Funnel Pepsi.
350. Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in the Youth Subculture" class.
351. Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate's bed.
352. Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your roommate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
353. Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove LaMarck's theory of spontaneous generation.
354. Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them.
355. Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
356. Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
357. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
358. Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
359. Wear all of your clothes backwards.
360. Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
361. Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.
362. Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
363. Hang all of your posters up backwards.
364. Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
365. Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
366. Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
367. Steal all of your roommate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
368. Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies.
369. Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it wider.
370. Two words: Nudist colony.
371. Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
372. Tattoo your roommate's name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.
373. Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
374. Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your character.)
375. Wear Underoos.
376. Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
377. Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn't there.
378. Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
379. Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.
380. Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a bulge under your jacket.
An airline stewardess was giving the standard
safety briefing to the passengers. She had
just finished saying in the event of a water
landing, your seat cushion maybe used as a
flotation device, when a man remarked:
"Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe
the seat can float?"
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
After the wedding, the bride's dad took a taxi to bankruptcy court. As he got out he said to the driver, "You might as well come too."
On a calling card (presented to guests at the reception)
I am the Father of the Bride. Nobody's paying much attention to me today, but I can assure you, that I am getting my share of attention. A bank and several business firms are watching me very closely.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Maybe you heard about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man. - Lana Turner
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said a friend.
"He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid........."
"Oh, how dreadful...." replied the friend,sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
"Certainly not! I still need a new hat!!"
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught:
"Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a damn cheap one, too."